?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Confessions [entries|friends|calendar]
mandalin66

I used to think I had it good. But now I know that I misunderstood. You would say I'm better off in every way.
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Episode 42: Just trying to make this old town new.... [30 Dec 2005|11:42pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

These are my confessions...
OK So, I decided that I wanted to start writing in an actual journal, just pen and paper. But then I thought that sometimes, I like the feedback of other people. So I'm taking what I write on my paper and putting it on the screen, not EVERYTHING I write, just when I have thoughts I want to filter out for people to give me thoughts on. So I guess I'm just gunna give a quick overview of whats been happening since my last entry...

So, Summer went on and me and Ben broke up in the beginning of July. I still talk to him and I do miss him a lot, but he's going to have to get his act together and start really straightning out before I ever get back together with him. I went back to Keene for this semester and really started feeling stressed out and almost depressed at times. I did a few crazy things, especially under the influence of alcohol and didn't really like the direction I was going in, so, despite all the wonderful freinds and all my amazing sisters, I decided to transfer to Bridgewater State College in the spring and live at home and commute there. So, as of right now...I'm in a bit of a rut. I have no job right now so I have no money, and I'm just feeling like everythings the same...which is when I wrote this:

Do memories capture people? I mean when people say "You're in love with the MEMORIES..." what does that necessarily mean, and is it a bad thing? I have a lot of good memories and a lot of bad ones too, and sometimes I find that both can hold me prisoner to my past. When I think of the good ones when my life wasn't necessarily perfect but seemingly better. I tend to really dwell on them and wish that it could be like that again. Then I think about the bad ones and I beat myself up over them and think of how much I wish it never happened because my life would be so much better . Although, is it the bad memories that really shape who we are today and make the good ones what they are? Cause when I think back to these good times in my life, I can remember a lot bad times that came with them, and maybe that's what made it so good...
Anyway, lately I've found that I have been really tied to the good memories,even really OLD good memories. And it's really, really holding me in this rut because I AM in the past. I'm not supposed to be here anymore, in Plymouth I mean, and right now all I want is to feel the way I did when I wasn't in such and uneventful rut. I've made a huge turn on my path of life, one that in a way has me in my past which is HERE. I missed it all so much, but it's never going to be the same, memories are memories, and they cannot be relived. I'm not regretting my descision, though, I may still be in Plymouth. But Plymouth is just a town and I have to concentrate on making my FUTURE here, or at least my near future. But that brings me back to my question of is being in love with memories a bad thing? And I dont really think it is . Sometimes, we need memories to remind us of how good life was, is, and can be. Just as long as I'm living FOR the future and not IN the past.

These two Time Mcgraw songs remind me of how im feeling right now. The first one, I think, is saying that although memories will never die, at some point you just have to say goodbye and move on.

My old friend, I recall
The times we had hanging on my wall
I wouldn't trade them for gold
Cause they laugh and they cry me
Somehow sanctify me
Their woven in the stories I have told
And tell again

My old friend, I apologize
For the years that have passed
Since the last time you and I
Dusted off those memories
But the running and the races
The people and the places
There's always somewhere else I had to be
Time gets slim, my old friend

Don't know why, don't know why
Don't know why, don't know why

My old friend, this song's for you
Cause a few a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again, my old friend

Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye

My old friend, my old friend
Goodbye, goodbye

This second one is pretty self explanatory...I guess I just need something, or someone, new to come along and get me out of this rut

On a lover's lee with a freeway view
Sittin' on my hood
Thinkin' bout you
Going over in my mind
Every kiss and every fire
Yeah the fool on the hill
Is leading down another night

There were days so hard
I thought I had to go
I'd get in my car
And just follow the road
But this is my home
And it's who I am
And I know I'd stay
If I could make this old town new again

Color other than blue again
I'd have something to do again
Instead of thinking about you again
But the people I know
The places I go
Remind me of you
Oh, somebody come around
And make this old town new

There were nights so long
I thought the sun burned out
And there were girls so wrong
I don't want to talk about
I was burning up the night
Yeah, in an alcohol flame
Lightin' up my way
Trying to make this old town new again

Color other than blue again
I'd have something to do again
Instead of thinking about you again
But the people I know
The places I go
Remind me of you
Won't somebody come around
And make this old town new

Hear me Shout.

Episode 41: HEEEEY!!!..... [28 May 2005|03:04am]
[ mood | drunk ]

These are my confessioms:
K..sooo im wasted!! buuuta amys fighting witj hjer drunk ex-b/f...and i've a;lrady talked o my drunk b/f...and now amys crying...ahhhh boys arec stupid WTF!!! why does he hafta make her cry!! ^THATS GAY!!! im gunna tell Ben to come beat his ass up!!!! shes my bestest freind...and im firndes w/ her ex too...which sucx but shix over dix man!!! ok..well this sux cu shes really upsest so im gunna go consl her..alter!!! PACE THEB FUCK OUT!!!

(8) Hear me Shout.

Episode 40: UMMM....Kickin it Old school style... [23 May 2005|09:19pm]
These are my Confessions:
I don't really know why I decided to name this entry that because...thats all I've been doing...kickin it old school style. Nothing too special I guess. just been workin at Bournedale like usual..hanging out with my buds...went to Kingston and got drunk on Saturday...nothin outta the ordinary there. The most random thing i did was pack it up and decide to head off to keene for the night on Friday to see Ben. It was worth it to spend time with him since I miss him sooo much!!! We had fun even though it was for only a day. Well so far....thats been it really nothim that new and exciting....wel kinda but I dont really wanna get into it...it's kinda personal I guess...idunno...It all made me very upset at first, then i got really pissed off...now im kinda over it but i really wanna fuck with some people just for the sake of fuckin with people!! OK well thats about it...
(2) Hear me Shout.

Episode 39: Officially S-U-M-M-E-R!! [08 May 2005|11:56pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

These are my confessions:
Sooooo Its SUMMER!!!! WOOOOOO!!!! I don't really think it's fully set in yet though, maybe it's the weather or something, idunno. All I know is that I am so happy to be away from any form of school what so ever and all the drama and shit that's been goin down. and it feels sooo good to be back with my Amigas chillin like the old days, even if that means goin out to do absolutley NOTHING!!! But hey, that's good ol Plymouth for ya!

But I am so sad without my wonderful boyfriend...:( I miss him like crazy and it's hard cuz at the moment he doesnt have a cell phone and with his work and hanging out with his friends he's almost never home...but he always manages to call at some point even if it's just for two seconds and I call whenever I get the chance. I guess this is just what long distance relationships are all about, doin whatever you can to make it work and stay committed. I just CANNOT WAIT to see him again!!! (I cant believe this is ME talkin like this...I love it!! HAHA!!)

Soooo...I cant wait to see what this summer has in store for me and my crazy ass freinds! I don't need to be on the lookout for any cute summer boys cuz I got my own cute boy waitin for me hehe (well I can look i just can't touch...dont tell him I said that!) But mostly this summer should just be all about working hard but having fun w/ my bestest buddies cuz who knows whats gunna happen after this summer, and trying to get in all my visits...shouldnt be too hard I got four months! We're al ready kickin it off right with a visit from our awesome Philly boys next weekend! now THAT should be a good time!! I love Seany and Dan and they're soooooo much fun!!

Ok, well Here's to hott summer days and even hotter summer nights! (not TOO hott, I gotta be a good girl for my baby!!) let the fun begin!!! :)

Hear me Shout.

Episode 38: The Real Thing [05 May 2005|12:31pm]
[ mood | loved ]

These are my Confessions:

First off I would Like to thank Patty for the amazing job on my live journal! You definitly have a talent for this type of thing! If anyone has not seen it yet then stop reading this on your friends page and go look at it!!
I cannot believe that my first year of college is over, where does the time go!? I have my last final in a half hour and I'm really nervous cause it's a toughy. Hopefully I'll be ok cuz I've been doin pretty well in that class. I REALLY can't wait to get home though. There has been WAAAAAY too much drama goin on for my liking and I just really can't handle it anymore! But I also just wanna get back with all my friends and my family and start up the summer! It's gunna be a different kind of summer this year cause I won't be on the search for any type of summer fling. Cause for once I have found something real...

I met Ben walking home from a party that got broken up by cops cause he's friends with this Phi Kapp brother I know. We all went back to his friends dorm room and Ben and I took quite a liking to eachother and then he walked me home and told me I was beautiful. I basically told him that he was feeding me a bullshit line but then he TOTTALLY proved me wrong when he called me the next night cause he was hanging out with Crystal and all his friends at the house. We've been hanging out like everyday and night since and then last thursday (technically Friday morning) we made it official. Everything went so fast and I can't even explain the way I feel about him except that I've been in and out of relationships with guys since I was 16 and now I'm almost 19 and I have never felt like this ever before in my life! This is a totally different feeling this for once is the real thing and this for once is love...

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Hear me Shout.

muahahhaha patty strikes again [04 May 2005|12:34pm]
amanda went to college and got a new sisterhood of friends and a new boy and a new knack for writing. sooooo i had to change her livejournal to fit her new life, starting with her hot user icon.

i love you amanda. hope you like this!!!
Hear me Shout.

Episode 37: Boooooored!!! [27 Apr 2005|01:36pm]
[ mood | bored ]

What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Hear me Shout.

Episode 36: Slopfest 2005 [24 Apr 2005|12:17am]
[ mood | excited ]

These are my confessions:

Soooooooo ya! Never before in my life have I seen a greater display of sloppy sloppiness then last night! We had dates and PC 50 DEFINITLY wins the sloppy award! I still love em tho!!! I also have never witnessed more people puking in one night then last night either! It was soooo f’in crazy! I loved it LOL!! I wish every weekend could be as crazy….minus the puckage. But anyways I got a job at Marylou’s for the summer so you can all come in and visit me being a coffee slut!! Haha!!! Im also gunna be at Bournedale too but unfortuatly I just talked to some of the boys that I worked with last summer and like NONE of them are coming back!!  Im sooo sad!! I loved chillin with those boys. So I don’t really know what the camps gunna do about that, but maybe they’ll hire some new boys and I can make new friends! That would be cool…new summer, new boys, new adventures…sounds good to me!!! LOL Oh man…why am I nuts!!??

Ok sooo the countdown is on for summer break…Officially I’m done with finals in 11 days, but I’ll be home in 13….hmm which one should I use? I’m gunna be sad to leave everyone here for the summer, but I can’t wait to see all my friends and not have any school to worry about and to make money!!! Theres sooooo much I wanna do this summer which is gunna be hard while Im workin my ass off with two jobs but:
1.) I wanna make it up to Keene definitely once, but I really wanna try to make it up here twice!
2.) I wanna go to at least one concert, Eminem and 50 are coming in August, and Kenny Chesney is in July!
3.) I wanna make it up to Manchvegus to see Stacy and B-line to visit K Korn.
4.) I wanna go to six flags!!!!
5.) I wanna go clubbing…as much as possible
6.) I wanna go to the beach as much as I can cuz I went like once last summer
7.) I wanna be CRAAAAZZZYYY with my girls!!!!

It’s a lot but I got four months this time!! I hope all my friends will join me in these festivities!!

Check out Slopfest 2005: http://community.webshots.com/album/329567678rLQzEp
and these ones too: http://community.webshots.com/album/258916665ctsGKY/3

(2) Hear me Shout.

Episode 35: The sunshine is taking over my brain!! [19 Apr 2005|07:32pm]
[ mood | cold ]

These are my confessions:

Hello!! Sooooo here I am once again procrastinating. I think it's safe to say that when I went home for spring break I never really made it back! And this beautiful weather we've been getting lately does not help much either! The past couple of days campus has looked like a beach with everyone sprawled out on their towels and blankets on the quad and playing whiffle ball and soccer and stuff. It's CRAAZY!! I myself took the liberty of taking some time to tan inbetween classes yesterday, instead of doing any work. So that left me scrambling around today trying to get a paper done that was due at 3:00, and I started it at 12:00. I got it done, but not without a little bit of stress!! And then again I left my dorm with a mission to go to the library for an hour to start my English paper due tommorrow, go to my SI session at 6:30 then come back here to the Library to finish up, but when I set foot outside my dorm everyone in my building was having a BBQ, so of course I set down my things and joined in on the nice weather festivities! I just can't wait to get the hell out of here and on to the beach with no school work to worry about, of course I'm going to have two jobs but I know for a fact that Camp Bournedale is like the funnest Easiest job EVER, and if I land the job at Marylou's I dont exactly think that it should be too stressful either! Lets just hope that I can make it through the next few weeks successfully!!

Aside from that, everythings goin pretty well. I know the last entry was depressing, but I had a rough weekend when I had written that and I was juts tired and I really do miss my family and stuff, Luckily I;m going home Thursday for that Marylou's interview and coming back saturday for dates!! That should be fun! I have no date yet, I have someone in mind but I'm really nervous to ask! In need some balls!! LOL! This weekend was fun though, I had my chorus concert on Friday and met some really cool Sigma Rho Alumni (hopefully most of em will be coming back up for our alumni BBQ next weekend!) then Saturday we gained 3 new sisters!! I had a blast getting to party with them as actual sisters at PMD and Phi Kapp! In the words of Katrina "OMG! We're HUGE!!" LOL (we're gettin there!) Then I met up with J later on that night and chilled with him all day Sunday. It felt nice to see and hang out with him again :)

Well, thats about it for now! TTYL!!
PS> It's fricken FREEZING in this Library
PPS> Why is Patty the ONLY one who ever comments on my entries...someone else needs to step it up! C'mon now!!!

(9) Hear me Shout.

Episode 34: Homesick [10 Apr 2005|08:05pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

These are my confessions:

I feel like I'm in over my head, and I feel like I have nothing here anymore and basically...

I wanna go home.....

Don't know what I was looking for when I went home, I found me alone
And sometimes I need someone to say, "You'll be all right. What's on your mind?"
But the water's shallow here and I am full of fear, and empty handed after two long years

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance to feel it

Back home I always thought I wanted so much more, now I'm not too sure
Cause sometimes I miss knowing someone's there for me and feeling free
Free to stand beside the ocean in moonlight
And light myself a smoke beneath the dark Atlantic sky

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it

Everybody here is living life in fear of falling out of line
Tearing lives apart and breaking lots of hearts just to pass the time
And the eyes get red in the back of your head, this place will make you blind
Put it all behind me and I'll be just fine

Another sunny day beneath this cloudless sky
Sometimes I wish that it would rain here
And wash away the west coast dreaming from my eyes
There's nothing real for them to see here

Another starry night in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance, before you get a chance to feel it

(1) Hear me Shout.

Episode 33: I'm a copy cat...what are ya gunna do bout it?! [06 Apr 2005|04:01pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

These are my confessions:

A - Age you got your first kiss (lips): OK, this is gunna sound bad but I’m actually not really sure…I guess the first one that really counted is probably 11 years old.

B - Band listening to right now: Taking Back Sunday

C - Crush: Ahhhhh…I’m so like giddy about this one lol..Josh Chisholm hehe

D - Dad's name: John Shaw

E - Easiest person(s) to talk to: My big (Crystal) Patty, Heather, Tanya, Haley and Krista, and Meghan

F - Favorite band at the moment?: Ummm….I guess Taking back Sunday but I don’t get much new stuff up here…

G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: worms…especially soaked in Vodka!

H - Hometown: Plymouth Ma…Ya PC!!!

I - Instruments: My voice lol….I played Piano for like 2 weeks lol

J - Joints smoked: ummmm….haahaha

K - Kids : four or 5 at the most

L - Longest car ride ever: Canada…actually no Florida

M - Mom's name: Paula Shaw

N - Nicknames: A-Shaw, Manda, Mandy (only by select people), Dope, A-Dawg, Trouble, Cindy

O - One wish: To be responsible and independent, then fall in love and be happy and successful

P - Phobia[s]: The dark, silence, being alone

Q - Quote: “If you love someone let them go, if they come back to you then they are yours”

R - Reason to smile: because I have people who love me (I liked yours patty:)

S - Song you sang last: Since you’ve been gone cuz it was playing when the people at Planned Parenthood put me on hold.

T - Time you woke up: 8:30 AM

U - Unknown fact about me: Ummm….Idunno, lol…I’m pretty open…Ill get back to you on that one!

V - Vegetable you hate: Sqaush

W - Worst habit(s): Being too sensitive and jumping to conclusions

X - X-rays you've had: couple

Y - Yummy food: EVERYTHING!! I’m the human garbage disposal!!

Z - Zodiac sign: Virgo the “Virgin” ….HAHAHA!!!

It's SOOOO NICE out!! I LOVE IT!!!!
(3) Hear me Shout.

Episode 32: Unwanted [04 Apr 2005|01:12am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

These are my confessions:
All that I did was walk over
Start off by shaking your hands
That's how it went
I had a smile on my face and I sat up straight
Oh, yeah, yeah
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you

You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away

(That i'm so unwanted)
No, I just don't understand why
you won't talk to me
It hurts that I'm so unwanted for nothing
Don't talk words against me
I wanted to know you
I wanted to show you

You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away

Make me go away

I tried to belong
It didn't seem wrong
My head aches
Its been so long
I'll write this song
If that's what it take

You don't know me
Don't ignore me
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me
Don't ignore me
If you had your way
You'd just shut me up
Make me go away

Make me go away
Make me go away

I’ve kind of felt like the words in this song a few times, and It really makes me kind of angry. Like sometimes as if people are too good to say hi to you. But then I think about it and I’m like, well, I’m not exactly saying Hi to them either! So, I decided to be the bigger person and try to always say hi, or at least smile when I see someone I know, even if I’ve only met them once. Who ever said nice guys finish last, never met a nice girl!

Hear me Shout.

Episode 31: "Secret Crush" [03 Apr 2005|01:58am]
[ mood | giddy ]

These are my confessions:
OK, so do you remember when you were like a freshman, or maybe even a sophomore too, in high school and you would be walking down the hall and see this GORGEOUS guy walk past you and you know he’s gotta be a senior, at least a junior. So, suddenly you start to see him EVERYWHERE! In the halls, at lunch, maybe even in one of your classes. He’s so hott, and he probably plays a sport and it just sucks cause well, he doesn’t even realize you exist. Well, maybe he knows you exist, but he DEFINITLY doesn’t know your name. So you kinda just keep your obsession to yourself, and your closest friends and turn bright red and drool everytime you catch a glimpse of him.Like, you’re walking to fourth period with your friends and you see him and go “OH MY GOD!! There he is!!” and just kind of awkwardly stare at him and all his amazingness (not a word but you get the point!) You know HIS name, though cuz, I mean, how else are you gunna doodle his name all over your notebooks and papers, and put your first name with his last?! But you could never talk to him, he’s older and cooler and he probably has an absolutely beautiful girlfriend already anyways! Whats the use…you’ll never have a chance…
Sooooo, then you get older and all the goofy immature boys that you’ve had allllll the same classes with basically since kindergarden, become those dreamy, untouchable older boys that all the incoming little freshman girls start to drool over. You start to realize how STUPID you were when you were that age cause in all reality, even when boys are juniors and seniors in high school, they’re still immature and pretty much a waste of time. Let the little girls have their drooling period, you’ve got better more mature things to deal with then positioning yourself in the cafeteria so that you can look at him while you digest your chicken fillet!
Well, now your in college, and your soooooo cool! But wait, it’s happening again! Your walking down campus, and all of the sudden WHAM! The hottest guy you’ve ever seen in your LIFE!!! “Where did HE come from?!” you ask yourself. (and maybe a friend whos with you) And of course, you know he’s GOT to be older cause he just seems like he’s got it all under control. So, then you’re sitting in your last class of the week (thank GOD!) and in walks in Mr. Hotty! Now how are you supposed to concentrate on …whatever it is this class is about!? your not like drooling and awkward and shit like in high school….ok so maybe your not AS awkward and you don’t drool AS much, but at least you know how to keep your cool a little better. But he’s still older and AMAZINGLY hott and it just sucks cuz he might never know your name, and you might never get that chance! Although, the good thing about college is that, you might end up at the same party and could wind up with some drunken hook up action!! But then, you see him in that class and he still dosnt know your name and he dosnt remember a THING!! (hey it could happen!)
This story isn’t all completely true, but it is BASED on true facts. I think at one point in our lives or another, we all go through this. You notice a boy and you develop a secret crush on him, but are so smitten that you can’t bring yourself to even talk to him! And it SUCKS cause you just want him to like you SO bad that it hurts. I’ve been there, multiple times. As I got older, I grew out of that akward stage and I found my confidence and I started dating and I didn’t really have “secret crushes” anymore. I would just always be either hooking up, or involved with someone who sucked and wound up being a waste of my time and energy and I began to learn about the wonders of relationships and how to deal with it all, and I’m STILL learning. So, I thought that once I went to college that I would still be confident and there would be no more secret crushes…EVER! Wow was I wrong, I’m always walking down apian way and I’ll spot that hott guy in my Logic class or that wicked cute PMD brother who’ve I’ve been introduced to a million and one times but might not remember my name, I know he knows my face though! I mean it IS a lot easier to meet different boys and to “hook up”, I’m not complaining, I know how to flirt, I have a pretty good level of confidence, and I’ve gotten my fair share of game while I;ve been here! But when I left high school I thought I was the shit, and then I got here and it was like a huge reality check. All of the sudden I’m not so cool, back at square one, and I’m the little one again (literally haha!) I have tons of those “secret crushes”, and I do see those boys out at night, sometimes they recognize me, sometimes they don’t…but I guess what I’m saying is that it makes me think, Does anyone have a secret crush on me? When I walk down Apian way is there a boy (two maybe?) that thinks, “Oh there’s that girl I always see, she’s so hott!” Hmmmmmm…..
I do however have a REAL crush on a certain boy that I actually really do like. We’re friends and we hung out this weekend and it’s not like awkard, (or at least not any more awkward than it has to be since when I really like someone I get all fricken nervous and shit) but I guess I just don’t know how to go about it. Michelle and Stammo told me that I should just like go for it and to not be scared, but how exactly so I “go for it”? I really wanna ask him to our dates in a few weeks, but even that’s too nerve wracking for me. I mean I don’t think he’ll say no, but….AHHHH I’m just so nervous!!! Fricken Crushes! They suck...sometimes ;)

(2) Hear me Shout.

Episode 30: Letting go... [28 Mar 2005|01:44am]
[ mood | blank ]

These are my confessions:
A promise is a promise…a promise is a promise…
Do these words have any meaning anymore, any true value? I once asked someone very close to me if he would still be there tomorrow, will he still care, will he still be my friend? My FRIEND, not my boyfriend, just a simple phone call now and then. His respsonse? “Of course I will, why would you EVER ask me that?!” I asked him that because it seems that no one is worth my trust (to those who are, I thank you and love you more than EVER) and he disappointed me by breaking my complete trust in him. I trusted him with something that was so important and sacred to me, something that I gave cause he showed me that he cared enough about me to be worth it, but that all changed. He changed, and I feel like I don’t even know him anymore Part of me wants to just give up and the other part just wants to hold on but I can’t try any harder than I do to keep a connection with him, and I can’t make anymore excuses because it’s wearing me down on the inside. It hurts too much to get my hopes up and then just get let down when I’m left with no reasons and no explanations and when every other conversation is fighting and lies and irritation, and broken promises. If he wants to call and talk to me, I’ll answer, I’ll be there because I still care, and I always will. Like I said even when I’m 80 years old I’ll stop short and I’ll think of him, I mean who could forget…and everything happens for a reason, God has a plan for everyone and I believe in letting fate run it’s course, and maybe this just isn’t the direction that God wants me to go and I can’t fight it. While it stings to the core, I’ve been avoiding it for far to long, and it’s time…to let go…

“Maybe someday I will see you again and you’ll look me in my eyes and call me your friend”


You've got to get better it's all in your head
We could live through these letters or forget it all together
See the months they don't matter it's the days I can't take
When the hours move to minutes and I'm seconds away

Just ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
We tried to avoid it but there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing about

When all that you need is just a reaction
It's too much to ask for when there's no attraction anymore
When chasing our dreams is just a distraction
I want to remember when I know that I can't go back

Just ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
We tried to avoid it but there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing about

There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing about.

Just ask the question come untie the knot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
Retrace the steps as if we forgot
Say you won't care Say you won't care
We tried to avoid it but there's not a doubt
And there's one thing I can do nothing

There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing
There's one thing I can do nothing about.

Hear me Shout.

Episode 29: OBVIOUS!!! [22 Mar 2005|11:26pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

These are my confessions:

Vodka
Vodka


?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


I KNEW IT!!! I AM NUTS!!!!

Hear me Shout.

Episode 28:Permanent Heart Ache [18 Mar 2005|02:53pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

These are my confessions:
OK...well, i'm goin crazy and it kinda hurts but i cant really write a simple entry cuz it'll just come out in a big huge mess of word vomit...soo i decided to tap into my creative side and write a lil poem/song

I have a permanent heart ache...
It feels like it will never go away
I've tried to fix it
with other thoughts and other feelings
But they never seem to stay

I have a permanent heart ache...
and I feel so helpless and I feel so lost
is there anything I can do
to fight for what feels so right
but it's so wrong, and it's not fair
He knows it too

I have a permanent heart ache...
So why does my face light up at the meer thought of him
and a smile that can't be wiped away when I see him
why is he the only one that makes me feel this way
So weak in the knees and my head in a daze
and it makes me crazy just thinkin 'bout it
him and all his amazing ways...

I have a permanent heart ache...
and it's just so hard to understand
why he's not here with me, to set me free
is that too much to ask for?

So for now I'll wait
it's all that I can do
please hurry before its too late
and this permanent heart ache
becomes permanently true...

(2) Hear me Shout.

Episode 27: Temporary High... [16 Mar 2005|12:30am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

These are my confessions:
OK, this may sound a little bit like one of those after school health class movies, but bare with me cause I've come to realize that I need to make a few minor adjustments in my life.

I've kinda been fuckin up a lot lately, I mean no real trouble, just doing things that I wouldnt normally do, and I feel like every moral that my mom has ever installed in me I've just thrown away! Thursday night(well actually more like 3 AM friday morning) I tried ecstasy; not the best choice I know! I mean, nothing happened and i know I'm lucky cause that stuff can kill you the first time you try it. Soooo...on Sunday Meg, Heath, Amy and I all smoked pot. A LOT of it! And sooo me and meg tripped out REALLY bad....REALLY BAD. We thought we were going to die! I was all paranoid and I went home, didn't even brush my teeth or take off my clothes, I got into bed and just couldnt stop breathing heavy and my heart was pounding, and I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time. All I was doing was just praying to God, "Please, Just let me make it through this night and I promise I'll be good!" I thought it would never end. I fell asleep and woke up 3 times before I finally passed out for the night, and luckily I woke up the next morning ok, to find out Meg had the same experience. Heather and Amy were fine though, so we're not really sure to whether the weed was laced or if it was due to the fact that meg and I are both on other medications. I've still felt a little uhhhh..i guess not right since then...just kinda paranoid I guess. My brother Seth said that E will do that to you for a few days, especially since I had the bad experience with weed, and im on the antibiotics.
Monday night I was sleeping over Heather's, and I still couldn't really sleep, I started crying and I didn't really know why. But I cmae to realize that it was more the guilt, and the fact that I've been just not been focusing on whats really important in my life. I could be doing way better with my school work, I could go to church like I was raised, and I could appreciate the things and people around me more, and I could stop getting so fucked up that I'm doing things that could get me in a bad situation...or worse.I just need to respect myself better. Drinking is one thing, I'm in college i'm supposed to drink to a point. But I always told myself I'd never even smoke pot...sooo what happened to me?So, I told my mom everything. She didn't freak out on me or make me feel like a bad person, but I could tell she was a little upset about it and she just said that I could have died and that she's not paying for school if I'm just gunna make bad decissions, and she hopes that i'll never do stuff like that again. After this experience, I think I've learned my lesson.


On a better note, I saw a certain someone today at Marylou's! And I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the day and all the feelings came flooding back, and i remembered...It was just what I needed to feel "normal" again after my bad experience.

Staring at a maple leaf
Leaning on the mother tree
I said to myself we all lost touch
Your favorite fruit is chocolate covered cherries
And seedless watermelon ohhhh
Nothing from the ground is good enough
Body rised
It puts over me

Oh chariot your golden waves
are walking down upon this face
Oh chariot I'm singing out loud
To guide me
Give me your:
Strength

Remember seeking moons of birth
Rings made mirrors of the earth
The sun was just yellow energy
It is a living promise land
Even over fields of sand
City filled with burden
Cover me
From bringing back
More than a memory

Oh chariot your golden waves
are walking down upon this face
Oh chariot I'm singing out loud
To guide me
Give me your:
Strength


You'll be my vacation away from this place
You know what I want
Holding that cup,
It's pouring over the sides
Make me wanna spread my arms and fly

Oh chariot your golden waves
are walking down upon this face
Oh chariot I'm singing out loud
To guide me
Give me your:
Strength

(8) Hear me Shout.

Episode 26: It's been a while... [13 Mar 2005|02:25am]
[ mood | restless ]

These are my confessions:
WOW...I havnt written in soooo looong, probably cuz i barely ever get a chance to breathe. Anywhoo....
I'm home in Plymouth right now for spring break, but here's whats been happening the past couple of weeks...

As of me and J, we're just really good friends right now, we were both just on different pages of where we wanted to be relationship wise. He took me out to dinner on Wednesday though, and it was so sad when he dropped me off cause usually, we would kiss goodbye but I figured that to try to keep the "just friends" thing in control, I should get used to not always kissing him all the time. But he totally caught me off guard by kissing me. I guess maybe I was just trying to rush into something too quickly, cause to tell you the truth, as much as I want a relationship, I don't really think it's a good time right now, I barely have time to sleep!

Other then that, nothing too big has happened in Keene besides waaaay too much school work to do and never enough motivation to do it! I just hope I'm doin ok in my classes cause for the amount of nights I spend up until 4 AM doin stuff, it better pay off!
Then there's the weekends, I actually went home last weekend on the count of I felt like complete ass hole and I just needed to take a break for a lil bit. This past Thursday was a blast! Our pledges got their big sisters, SOOOOO CUTE!! The matches were perfect! So we hung out at the house for a while and then basically took over Alpha, EPY style! We played beer die, and made people funnel, and it was just sooooo much FUN! I love those guys, and I feel bad cuz they get sucha bad rep, but they're really wicked nice and fun to hang with. Crystal and I of course went late night style and hung til the sun came up! And all I gotta say is one thing: "I'll show you mine if you show me yours!" LOL KRISTA!!!

Sooo, now I'm home for a week, and I'm a lil bummed cause I thought that I'd get hours at Bournedale but it turns out that they don't need me this week. Sucks...but what are ya gunna do bout it? I've also been having a lot of thoughts about something, and it's been really clouding my mind. I wish I could just pick up the phone and see what happens, but I can't...and I really, really, REALLY just wish that it didn't hurt so bad, and that I could just forget about it...but it's just so God damn hard!! And I think about how good it all felt and how much I miss it when It's gone and it's just been such a while...I think what really sparked this was when things with J didn't really work out how I thought and it happened again, you know...it just keeps going around and around in a circle right back to where I started, and left off...

So, now I'm here and I guess all I can do is hope...hope that everything will get figured out, on both parts...

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down as I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes you forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening now
Can't you see something's missing?
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life, what's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say its okay
It's okay

(2) Hear me Shout.

Episode 25: Just a quickie...oh wait that sounded bad...lol!!! [23 Feb 2005|01:43pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

These are my confessions:
I'm in the Computer lab right now and I have about 10 mins before i have to leave for class and i havnt updated in a while...sooo ya i am now...

Anyways, I've been a little stressed lately. I got a test back in my Children and the Media class ysterday and I straight up BOMBED it! Figures....that class sux and the teacher is truly psychotic! No one EVER knows what shes talking about and we have this loong term research assignment to do and she gives us like all these requirements for it like we have to write an article summary and then a critique and she gets mad becuz no one is doing it right...but she wonders why when NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE HELL SHES TALKING ABOUT!!! AHHHH!!!! (ooo it's 1:49...hehe) Anyways, soooo ya i was like on the verge of tears yesterday cuz I felt so stressed and I also kinda realized that I might be gettin just a tad homesick....i think i just miss everyone, and Meg was supposed to come up this weekend and party hardy with me...but now she cant... ..:( maybe if i call her crying and tell her how homesick I am....her mom will changer her mind....hmmmmm.....

Oh ya and I need a lil love advice...Question: When is that right time to drop the "what are we?" bomb...or the "exclusive?" question...? Gimme some feedback!

(6) Hear me Shout.

Episode 24: Just a dream...... [18 Feb 2005|01:00pm]
[ mood | confused ]

These are my confessions:
Things have been goin really well with J, He calls me everyday even though I couldnt really see him a lot this week cause it was the last week of rushes and being a rush chair I was pretty busy. But he called me last night and he really wanted to see me and I had a few hours before final signs started and I had some stuff to buy for the party, so he picked me up and brought me shopping then we went out for pizza. Then he came over the house later on after everything was done, I was a lil drunk and we all went to a party on Davis street which was actually Cait's house even though shes in Florida! But the party had about 343740129741098273021 ppl there and then the cops showed up so me and him just went back to his house and he brought me back early today when he went to work.

But when I fell back asleep in my own bed this AM I had a really scary and most confusing dream...and it wasnt even about J....it was about someone else (you know who Im talkin about!) but lets just call him JM.....
In this dream JM calls me up and he's freaking out saying "I'm so confused I just need to get away, can I come see you?" and so he comes to see me and I ask him" JM is this about me? Do you love me?" and He says "No this has nothing to do with you, I dont love you. I'm sorry but I dont have feelings for you like that..." and I was like "what? why? How can you say that?!" and I started crying and you could tell he felt really bad about it and everything. and I woke up and I was like really upset and crying a lil bit, but at the same time really confused! And so for a while I was contemplating calling JM just to see how things were since he canceled his "plans" and everything. but I didn't do it.....I kinda couldnt do it....

(2) Hear me Shout.

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]